Monday, July 13, 2009

Re-Write Central: Zombies in control of the West Wing! 13 JUL 09

Hi Kids,

Stumbled on this impressive story over at today's WaPo issue. It seems that the grueling schedule of the West Wing of the White House is predictably grinding the staff of partisan political hacks down to a gooey pulp. What fun! The original title is "In West Wing: Grueling Schedules, Bleary Eyes" by the redoubtable Micheal Shear. We could not resist taking a hatchet to this piece of bootlickin' statist lovin', what me change? piece of "journalism" from the influence peddlers over at the once mighty Washington Post. As always, please visit some of our sponsors and the conclusion of the article. Enjoy!

Zombies in control of the West Wing!

13 JUL 09
B&S staff

The West Wing Mess hates the current occupants of the West Wing according to one of Rockin' Barry O's senior advisors. "It seems that all the shuffling and moaning the West Wing staff makes as they lumber through the mess has upset the servers" confided an unamed food line server "that and the rumor that the Zombies are contagious ain't helping".

Long lines of Zombies ritualistically appear each morning promptly at 7:00AM at the doors of the mess hall after wandering aimlessly around the West Wing all night staring at the blank screens of thier long dead blackberries. They mumble incessantly and incoherently, with phrases like "bank bailout", "Roymotos", "health care scam" and "two wars are not enough" punctuating their eerie moans. They head towards the KooL-Aid dispenser and drink cup after cup of the liquid in a desperate attempt to rouse themselves from their zombiehood, but to no avail.

In a city known for taking the best and brightest and transforming them into the worst and the dullest, the current crop of West Wing Staffers has crossed the Rubicon and burned the bridge behind them. "I don't know if they're really human anymore" confided an unnamed parking lot attendant "They get in their cars at the end of the day and just stay there until a little before daylight when they shuffle back into the building. It's kinda like they're vampires masquerading as zombies."

All West Wings face fatigue issues according to those in the know. The only exception was the staff that worked with President US "It's 6 O' Clock Somewhere" Grant way back in the wayback. Today's staff has to contend with a grueling 24 hour news cycle and the 12 hour spin cycle as well as ensuring that someone is on duty in the Chapel of Political Correctness making sure that no one is washing short loads or mixing colors with whites.

"It's the pace of events, that's what did them in" stated a nonexistent source close to the side entrance "Most of these guys got here by working on the presidents campaign staff for the last two years and now they have to suck it up for 4 or 8 more years until they can cash in their chips. You can see it in their eyes, well at least the ones who still have eyes. God only knows how many of them will be left after the putsch for socialized medicine clears the Senate this fall"

So much work has been done that more work is being piled on. Using the flimsy excuse that all the nation's problems were inherited from the Evil Bush/Rove cabal, the current President has flogged the staff to produce metric tons of papers to prove that it wasn't HIS fault. As the very life was sucked out of them they were greeted by the now famous memo that stated "The beatings will continue until morale improves" and like lemmings to sea they dove into the maelstrom of treaty writing, bank bailouts/confiscations, and the never ending awarding of taxpayer money to political cronies.

"It's not like that crew of hard drinkin', womanizin', money grubbin' cigar smokin' staffers that Nixon had" observed an unnamed 81 year old newspaper vendor "These guys were idealogues. It's just that working 18 hour days 7 days a week is worse that spending most of your time dead drunk. And these guys are writing the legislation that Congress doesn't read before they vote it into law. Fer Christ's sake, send 'em off to Disney World before it's too late!"

White House officials and others say that's pure bunk. "If working 18 hour days was so inebriating, then why do I have to knock back 4 double vodkas just to take the edge off?" asked an unnamed Clinton era staffer who is also an Obama era staffer "The fact of the matter is that slaving away for 18 hour days and heavy drinking combined with no exercise is good for you. Just like smoking cigarettes."

The original story is here:

Cruise over and take a crack at doing your own re-write!

More to follow from your friendly, nieghborhood Libertarian Community Organizer!

No comments:

Post a Comment