Sunday, August 23, 2009

Re-Write Central: OFA discovers find 90% it's supporters refuse to return thier calls or emails!

Hey kids,

Sure, you think it's a slow day and all of a sudden the brain trust over at WaPo publishes a puff piece on the mighty, mighty OFA titled "Grass-Roots Battle Tests the Obama Movement" by a cat named Eli Slaslow. Ya'll remember OFA don't you? That was the 13 or 14 million volunteers that flocked to Rockin' Barry O's banner last year during the general election, the guys and gals that were gonna be the vanguard of the perpetual progressive revolution that was going to remake and change America for the better. The core concept was that they represented the most dedicated of today's progressive movement and would magically appear whenever their master tweeted or sent a one line email requiring their presence to assist in furthering his leftist/progressive/statist/looney tune agenda. Guess what, Presbo sent out the call and almost 1.3 million of this vast horde responded, meaning that 11.7 million to 12.7 million of them could not be bothered. Hard core, baby, Hard core.

So, as per SOP, we've decided to re-write the WaPo puff piece and are proud to present:

OFA Zeppelin Runs Out of Gas and People!
Obama supporters try to walk and chew gum at the same time!

By: Tanstaafl
Bludgeon&Skewer Agi-Prop Unit
Sunday, 23 AUG 09

Speeding down an unfamiliar highway at 70mph in a rental car, tanked to the gills on caffine, texting like a madman and screaming "I'm on the verge, baby, I'm on the verge!" J. Bird, one of the Deputy Director's over at OAF, er ... OFA, turned to look at his companion clutching the dash in terror. "I'm Livin' on the edge!" screams J Bird in his best Steve Perry voice, his head thrashing back and forth in proper Big Hair Rock fashion and narrowly avoiding side swiping a semi truck on the downbeat.

And so it goes for the remnant staff of the OAF, er... OFA. Mothballed shortly after the election, the organization is struggling to breathe life into it's membership once more and usher in the return of the Hopey Changey Thingy that won the 2008 election cycle. It's impressive legions scattered to the winds by indifference, it's paid staff sacked after the conclusion of the election, the few hangers on that survived the post election purges are being called on once more to sell the American public on the dubious proposition that is Obamacare. And like the greyhounds at race tracks in Florida and New Jersey, but not in the great State of Georgia, they have responded to the bell and are pounding down the track in pursuit of Sparky the rabbit in the guise of the "Public Option", what ever that turns out to be.

Arriving at their destination in Racine, Wisconsin, J Bird and the sole surviving paid staff guy in Wisconsin, a dude named Dan "The Don" Grandone, sat down on the curb in front the Cup Of Hope coffee shop to collude with the last 10 members of OAF, er... OFA, still willing to admit it. "We need to flex our muscles on this and act fast, really fast, really, really fast because there's only a tiny sliver of a window to get an unwritten unread bill through the Senate before even more Americans come to their senses" J Bird rattled off in a staccato fashion "The whole reason I'm here is to rally what's left of the troops and tell them they are important, make them think they can influence events if they do what we tell them to when we tell them to. I don't have time for any sort of genuine grass roots thing. We need some freakin' astro turf laid and laid now! Get out there and make the support magically appear like we did last year!"

The rest of the tiny group huddled on the curb and looked longingly at the people actually seated in the the Cup O Hope coffee shop actually having coffee. The standard litany of excuses began to be offered, you know, membership is stagnant right now because unemployment in Wisconsin is at 23% or something, people that ain't got no jobs have to spend their time looking for free food or free housing and so they don't got no time for volunteer work, the stinking right wing biased Main Stream Media have focused all the coverage on those rowdy republicans at the unscripted town halls at the first of August and now that we've been able to squash the public dissent by having rules and pointing video camera's at them and making them write their questions down on cards and stuff, those bastards won't give us any facetime because we're, well, because we're so freakin' boring repeating the OAF approved talking points, and well, the race card just isn't what it used to be.

J Bird rose to his feet and began to lecture the pathetic remnant of a once mighty organization "look, I know there used to be 44 field offices here in Wisconsin and those offices had coffee pots and clean restrooms and unlimited internet. I know that the Obama Campaign had 100 full time staffers here in Wisconsin back then and Dan here is the last man standing today. That was then, this is now. I know a lot of you thought there was a future in politics, but only the best get the full time gigs like me. I've got 13 million email addresses in my pocket! 13 million ardent supporters! 13 million believers who promised to man the barricades if those uppity conservatives so much as squeaked! Do you know that 150,000 of our 13 million strong army gave almost $38 each to fund this effort? That's almost $5.7 million dollars! I know that sounds like a lot, but it'll only buy a limited run of our two pro Obama Care TV commercials in the top 12 markets for 8 days! The President himself spent almost an hour showing us the PowerPoint presentation! It's not enough to turn the tide and where are we now? In freakin' Racine freakin' Wisconsin begging the 10 of you to turn pull a miracle out of you hat. Can You Do It?!"

The group rose in unison and shouted in unison "Yes we can!"

J bird smiled quietly to himself as he realized his work in Racine was done. Turning to his wingman, he nodded to the waiting rental car and jumped into the drivers seat, deployed the Blackberry and texting furiously, sped off to the next corner of Wisconsin to meet with the second largest group of OAF, er ... OFA supporters over in Fond du Lac, a retired school teacher and her nephew.

OK, if you want to read the story that WaPo pushed out, head over there and read it for yourself. Along the way be sure to click on a political ad or two, every time you click cash shows up magically in the adsense box and the ad sponsor has to pay. If enough of you do that, you can put a big financial hit on your least favored political party or candidate. Think of it as sort of a cellular revolt. Hit 'em where it hurts!

Astroturf, Baby, Astroturf.

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